Peculiar Excitement

10 Oct 2006

Dearest friends

Thank you for praying for me. I’m doing well. I went to see the respiratory doctor yesterday for the test results on the phlegm. It’s negative for TB. PTL!!!! I was relieved when I heard that. However, the doctor said that even the results are negative, it may not mean that I don’t have TB. HUH? I can imagine your expression – must be the same as mine. He said that it all depends on the phlegm sample plus subsequent samples may show positive for TB. He also said that the spots seem active, as the infection has not gone away but has got worse, and are at the places where TB begins. He is urgent to treat me also because the oncologist wants to begin chemotherapy soon. He even suggested giving me the TB treatment. I would not accept any treatment unless the root cause is confirmed. And the side effects of TB treatment could be hepatitis. So how can I treat one part of my body to the detriment of another part? I went back again today to give them another sample of my phelgm. Next week I will see the doctor for the results and I will also take a chest x-ray at the same time.

Throughout the time I was in the doctor’s clinic, I felt that he didn’t know what to do and he could only guess, short of taking out those parts of my lung to check. As I drove home, I realise that ONLY God knows what’s going on, why the spots are there and because He knows, He can heal. While many may find it hard to trust a God they cannot see, I find myself not able to trust anyone but God, my Creator, my Maker, my Help. I’ve been asking God what my healing will look like and I’ve got a feeling He’s telling me something through this interesting turn of events.

I just want to share a short paragraph from my devotion ‘Beloved Disciple’ by Beth Moore. Before that, a little background. That day I was studying on how John might feel when his brother James was killed, then Peter was put into prison but later on, Peter was led out by an angel. Please refer to Acts 12:1-25. Remembering that John, James and Peter had been singled out in many occasions by Jesus to witness some important events (Refer to Luke 8:51, Luke 9:28, Luke 22:8, Matt 26:37, John 20:2), they are probably close partners in ministry. John must be devastated when his brother was martyred. He is perhaps shocked when Peter was arrested. He probably wondered why God didn’t deliver his brother but delivered Peter instead.

What Beth Moore wrote struck me:
“We can lock arms with fellow servants just as the disciples did. We will experience a measure of God’s anointing and perform some significant works. For the parts of the whole to work as God intended them, however, each part must stand on its own before a highly personal God. If we insist on a boat full of company, we’ll miss the waves where we ride one at a time. When a wave of loneliness suddenly erupts. Ride it. Let your stomach rise and fall with fear and peculiar excitement. Don’t fight the feeling. Don’t just busy yourself. Ride the wave straight into the presence of God and experience the adventure of feeling you’re the only one there.

The intensity of your solitary estate is often most obvious when you fight to reconcile the facts of life with the words of faith….Solitude is not so much the place we find answers as the place we decide if we’re going on, possibly alone-without them. Many of us will. Why? Because the privilege of wrestling with such a holy and mysterious God still beats the numbness and painful mediocrity of life otherwise. Sometimes we don’t realise how real He is until we’ve experienced the awesomeness of His answerless presence. He knows that what we crave for more than explanations is the unshakable conviction that He is utterly, supremely God.”

WOW!!! It took me a few readings to understand what she was saying. She has expressed how I’m feeling – the aloneness (I’m alone in this although I appreciate the support and prayer of friends and family), the fear (although I really don’t fear anything now), the peculiar excitement (wondering what’s going to happen next), the assurance that God is in TOTAL control. I still marvelled at how timely this devotion is. God is really very good. I’m thankful for His love and His peace.

Many friends have asked how I am doing. I’m very well and I sensed that the Lord wants me to resume normal routine and also to put in some exercise. I have started to take meat again in moderate portions. Why? Mainly what I’ve read in the Scriptures:

Mark 16:17-19

And these signs will follow those who believe: In My name they will cast out demons; they will speak with new tongues; they

1 Timothy 4:1-5

1Now the Spirit speaketh expressly, that in the latter times some shall depart from the faith, giving heed to seducing spirits, and doctrines of devils; will take up serpents; and if they drink anything deadly, it will by no means hurt them; they will lay hands on the sick, and they will recover.”

2Speaking lies in hypocrisy; having their conscience seared with a hot iron;

3Forbidding to marry, and commanding to abstain from meats, which God hath created to be received with thanksgiving of them which believe and know the truth.

4For every creature of God is good, and nothing to be refused, if it be received with thanksgiving:

5For it is sanctified by the word of God and prayer.

Now whenever I give thanks for my food, not only am I reminded of His Providence, I’m also reminded that He has sanctified my food.

I sense the Lord is giving me time to continue to wait upon Him. Please pray that

*Chee Meng and I will earnestly seek the Lord regarding the treatment
*I have COMPLETE healing of the spots in the lungs and of cancer
*my parents will be in good health and be assured of God’s providence
*God will teach my children (Isaiah 54:13 ‘And all thy children shall be taught of the LORD; and great shall be the peace of thy children.’)

Have a good weekend 🙂


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