The Clouds

22 November 2006


How have you been? Was it a difficult week at work or school? Did you lose patience with your child, your husband, your mom/dad or with a friend/colleague? Did you face any dark clouds?

It’s been past a week since my first cycle and I am doing fine – still alive and kicking – yes kicking was something Li-Ann learnt this week. And mind you, those kicks of hers are VERY powerful  😉 So we are getting her to kick ball. You know, I think she is very close to saying ‘ball’ more accurately now  🙂 She is also building up her confidence with walking, taking more steps unaided and voluntarily on her own. It’s so good to see the older two encouraging her on. It’s so heartwarming. It’s so exciting!!!

For me, nothing is more exciting than FOOD!!!! I am still thinking of eating food that’ll jolt my numb taste buds. In fact there was this night I slept late and was hungry. I thought I should just go and try and fall asleep. BUT that didn’t happen. I lay in bed for almost an hour. The minute I close my eyes, I start to think of ALL the food I want to eat, what I want to cook and what I will ask hubby to buy.  I finally gave in and got up to eat something. Yes my appetite is good. When I prepare simple meals for the family, I’m tempted to make them more tasty and palatable for ME, but I always stop myself. While it may be tasty enough for them, it can still be rather bland for me. So I’m learning self-control. WAH!!!! VERY HARD!!!! God help me!!!!

During this week, some tests results also came back. I’m tested HER 2+, which means I’ll need the very expensive Herceptin. The doctor said when he gets the report, he’ll write the relevant letters for me. One of the days when I waited at the hospital for hubby to pick me, a lady sat near me and we chatted for a while. She was at NCC for chemo and after her radiotherapy elsewhere, she’s back at NCC for Herceptin. She claims that Herceptin is more acceptable for her body.

My phelgm cultures has also shown positivity for the TB bacteria. My case has been referred to the TB Control Unit in Singapore and the family has to go for an interview and tests to check if they are affected. My heart was heavy when I receive the letter yesterday. I pray that no one in the family is affected. I plead for God’s blood and mercy. I’m also not sure how others will see us. But I feel it’s best to find out more and be truthful. I called the nurse and found out a few things:
* The bacteria can be latent or active. If it’s latent, it’s not contagious and preventive medication is taken to prevent it from becoming a disease, hence active.
* It spreads via sneezing n coughing and not through sharing of food. Also something new I learnt.
* The BCG that we had as a baby is more for protection of the brain from menagitis. There’s no more BCG required for children at 12yo.
* Affected persons can still carry on normal activity while on medication. No isolation is required.
* People with lower immunity is more susceptible to the infection, like myself. Others who are healthy may be able to fight it.

For more information, you could check out one of many websites:

I want to be honest because I know some people may not be comfortable and would want to keep away. If that’s how you feel, please let us know. We understand and will respect your wishes. Otherwise, other than watching where I go due to reasons of not compromising immunity, the rest of the family will still carry out their usual activities. I was thankful for hubby who reminded me to think good and positive thoughts and to trust the Lord. I also called a prayer line yesterday night and someone prayed for me. Talking to a friend today and a cousin who called long distance was good. I thank God for sending me my angels 🙂

Finally some sharing from my devotion by Beth Moore ‘Beloved Disciple’

<In July 29 entry of My Utmost for Highest Oswald Chambers wrote figuratively of clouds,”In the Bible clouds are always connected with God. Cloud are those sorrows or sufferings or providences, within or without our personal lives, which seem to dispute the rule of God. It is by those very clouds that the Spirit of God is teaching us how to walk by faith. If there are no clouds, we should have no faith. ‘The clouds are but the dust of our Father’s feet’ (see Nahum 1:3). The clouds are a sign that He is there….Through every cloud He brings, He wants us to unlearn something. his purpose in the cloud is to simplify our belief until our relationship to Him is exactly that of a child – God and my own soul, other people are shadows…Unless we can look the darkest, blackest fact full in the face without damaging God’s character, we do not know Him.”

Is your life covered in dark clouds? Or perhaps the clouds aren’t dark. They simply obscure clarity and tempt you to be confused by your circumstances.>

For me, I felt the clouds getting darker when the news came back. But I’m determined not to view them as such. I’m asking God what He wants me to unlearn. Probably the issue of control. Self-control was one. The other is that while I have my family, they are not mine either. With this TB thingy, I feel I have to release the lives of my family members to Him. He loves them more than me and He knows exactly what is to be done. Faith is what He requires from me again.

Hebrews 11:1
Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.

I came to know some difficult situations some friends are going through. I will remember and pray for you. Many of you may feel that not bothering me will give me time to rest etc. Don’t worry, I won’t stretch myself beyond my limits. However, if you have something to share, please do. While I may not physically be able to help, I can still read the emails and pray or I can still listen over the phone. Living in spiritual isolation is probably one dark cloud. Don’t let the evil one deceive you. That’s why we belong to the BODY of Christ, many parts but one.

I will continue to remember
‘your work produced by faith, your labor prompted by love, and your endurance inspired by hope in our Lord Jesus Christ.’  1 Thessalonians 1:2

Look up. See the clouds. See the Lord.


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