A Hole In My Heart

2 March 2009

A bad bout of depression hit me during December 2008. I seemed to have lost control over myself and my relationships with my hubby and children. It was awful and terrifying. I thought I was going crazy. I wanted to give up. 2009 arrived. I plodded along daily, teaching the children and managing the home with an enormous hole in my heart. While my head knew only God can fill it, my heart, not knowing how, was unable to concur. Then God showed me.

Of late, Rebecca had been feeling very insecure. Ever since her return from the Science Centre, she had told me incessantly of her fears. She became hypersensitive and would seek my assurance numerous times a day. Her recent behaviour was so bizarre and I found it intolerable. At my wits’ end, I asked God what I should do. Last night, I told her to take out her Bible and read the following verses aloud, praying that His Word would give her comfort.

Psalm 18:6

In my distress I called to the LORD; I cried to my God for help.
From his temple he heard my voice; my cry came before him, into his ears.

Matthew 10:29-30

Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground apart from the will of your Father. And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered.

Psalm 23 (This is Rebecca’s favourite.)

1 The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not be in want.
2 He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters,
3 he restores my soul. He guides me in paths of righteousness for his name’s sake.
4 Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil,
for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.
5 You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows.
6 Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever.

As she read, I saw myself in her – the whiny little girl, always complaining, full of insecurities and anxieties, and refused to be assured by her Father. It was then that I realized God could not fill the hole in my heart because I did not allow Him to come close to me. I had rejected His love and consolation. However unlike me, the imperfect and earthly parent who finds my child unbearable, my Father continues to be faithful, loving and patient. I have sought the Lord’s forgiveness and have resolved to stop complaining, as hubby has reminded me for the umpteenth time. So the Heavenly Physician closed up the big black hole instantaneously. With that procedure done, His Word will restore me back to health. I know He will heal Rebecca too. In fact, as I write, Rebecca is already much better.

Have you been agonizing over the hole in your heart? Let me recommend you this Excellent Surgeon who knows the best treatment for you.


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